Valuable Greek Antiquities!!

I know, I know... three posts in two days?! (see Requiem to a Glue Gun and Homage to Miranda, 8 November) - but I couldn't resist. I came across the following the other night when hunting for fake pearls in my bedroom drawer. (There is also a graveyard for watches there, by the way. I shall have to make another mosaic).

See this?


Ah, the Parthenon!! Remember this?
There would appear to be a trend going on here. But what a fancy pendant, eh? The coworkers all loved it!

It gets better. Have a look at the other side. Then there is this beauty:

I have no idea what purpose this is meant to have. I suspect it is something that you're supposed to hang over your doorway. Greeks are big on hanging things over entrances thinking it's good luck.

(And perhaps it is ... until such time as it falls down and breaks - then out comes the dreaded koutala - weapon of choice of Greek mothers everywhere! - for breaking the good luck charm.

Here is a photo of my mother's original koutala I stole it from her house. The cycle of violence ends HERE.

To be fair, I don't think she ever used it on me. She probably just waved it around at me a few times when I was four and said "Wait until your father gets home." However, I had blown the koutala up in my mind until it was roughly the size of a baseball bat. I actually couldn't believe it when I found this in her kitchen drawer in my early 20s - it looked so small! So harmless!)

So, let's turn back to deconstructing this miraculous good luck charm:

First, a door knocker.
I don't get the "good luck" aspect of a doorknocker myself. Perhaps it just meant that the holder was the luckiest and richest person in the village because they actually had a door to hang it on? However, our modern version, the doorbell, certainly lacks aesthetic appeal in comparison.

Maybe it's meant to symbolise knock knock knockin' on heaven's door? Did Eric Clapton have a Greek ancestor? Hmm.

Second and last, there's the good old time honoured severed hand:


JJ thinks the two pieces were meant to be attached at some point. Maybe so (which begs the question... WHY?!?).

I just wish I still had this good luck doorknocker sent back by relatives from Greece with me some time ago. It weighed about five pounds, and looked like a dead hand holding a big ball. I tried to put it on the door to my first crappy apartment here, and the apartment door practically came off its hinges. It apparently got lost (or stolen?) in one of the 16 or so moves since then. SIGH.

So, on to my next treasure: just what every girl needs - a fancy charm bracelet!!


And not just any old charm bracelet, mind you. It is jam-packed with ancient Greek secret wisdom. Let me share some with you (you knew you weren't going to get off lightly when you started reading this post, so don't give me thatlook!!!

(a) The Fish
Um, er... now I can't remember what this means. It is some sort of Greek Orthodox religious thing. I would probably know, except I was too busy during the liturgy (when still forced to go) pinching my little brother and passing notes with my friends.

Or - maybe it's just there because it would taste very good battered and deep fried with a rocking side of skordalia. Please note that this is not my own recipe. That remains my (not so) ancient Greek secret. However, I'll give you one tip - use instant mashed when making it. Really.

(b) The Grecian water jug
Remember this?

I'm beginning to think that the ancient Greeks lacked imagination. Perhaps they were too busy creating democracy and philosophy (not to mention plumbing, which they then lost for a couple of thousand years for some unknown reason? Let's blame the Turks!)?

(c) The Pompom Shoe

Oh no! Takis lost his shoe!!
Perhaps his legs were too long for him to bend and pick it up? Hmm.

(d) The Unknown
I have no clue what this is meant to be. Also, strangely enough, it resisted all attempts to get a clearer photograph than this:


So, I think it must be either an evil owl (symbol of Greece, wisdom, etc... bla bla bla) or perhaps an ogre?... no, ogres are good. A zombie??!!

NB. After the fact, I consulted JJ on his understanding of this particular charm. I wish I hadn't. He said "Well, it's Janus, of courrrse!". I said, effectively, huh?!? He then turned over the charm to reveal this: Apparently Janus guarded the many treasures of the Greek Gods. I so hate it when I am one-upped on my own heritage!!!

Where was I? Oh yes. Anyway, in case this is an evil charm, it's a very good thing that I have an image of Holly Ogre, the Zombie Slayer hanging in my apartment:


(Er... actually, I think it's St George the Dragon Slayer. I really should have paid attention at liturgy! Ah yes - here's another photo of him hanging around in my apartment for some reason: Notice how his face resists capture - just like the Owl/Ogre. Coincidence? I think not! This image is over the door of the oldest Greek Orthodox church in Toronto, known as St George's. No imagination, these Greeks, I tell you!)

The Ogre/Dragon slayer is part of a huge good luck charm in my apartment:


Evil eyes, boats - we should always be safe here, touch wood.

And to magnify the good luck aspect, I've paired it with a disco queen luck charm to celebrate my two heritages:


Oh - by the way, do you notice where this is hanging? Over an entrance!!!! Ah, tradition!

In signing off, I note that Glasgow, Scotland (JJs hometown) has today been selected as the site for the 2014 Commonwealth Games. JJ intends to participate in the weightlifting competition but only if magnums of whisky are used as the weights.)

why did the Greeks start breaking plates?

Well, have a look at these vintage beauties (circa 1955) and decide for yourself!

PLEASE NOTE: with my sadly lacking photographic skills, I could not hope to reproduce the true splendour of the colour of the sky in Greece as depicted on these plates. Picture what you see here and ramp it up in the turquoise direction another ... oh, well, the ensuing colour would be the love child of blue and green salt water taffy!

(I imagine the more appropriate sky colour for today's Athens is grey-brown, but that's another story for another day. And, that serves to make these plates very rare and valuable artifacts, akin to the Elgin Marbles, IMHO. But I, as usual, digress...)

1. The Parthenon

Did you know that the ancient Greeks built a large structure 2,000 plus years ago called the Parthenon? No? If not, here's what it looks like:

2. The Parthenon and Other Structures

...and just in case you don't know what the Parthenon looks like, here's another depiction of it, because after all it was a very important accomplishment of the ancient Greeks, just in case you didn't know that:


But... the creator of this plate obviously wanted to stress the multitalented nature of my forefathers (I only say "forefathers" because I doubt that the foremothers were allowed out of the house at the time, let alone off building future heritage properties) - it is a little known secret that the Ancient Greeks also built other buildings. So, here's one:

...and another...

...and yet another...
Oops! is that the Parthenon again? Must have needed another version in the border just in case the one in the middle wasn't gaudy... er, noticeable enough. And it IS a very important building...

3. A Rare Sight in Greek Modern Art

A whole plate devoted to a building which is not the Parthenon... !



4. Evzonas (Soldier) at the Acropolis
a.k.a. The Favourite Pastime of the Greek Male - Blowing His Own Horn!


Glad to see the creator of the plate didn't forget about the Parthenon. And - check out the detail photo:



Do you notice something unusual? I reckon that this guy must be the tallest Greek in history. Or at least the one with the longest legs - he appears to be about 7 feet tall with legs measuring 6 feet (from the waist - hard to guess the inseam measurement what with the cute little pleated skirt).

And on the topic of cute little skirts, a cross-cultural aside so that DH doesn't feel left out. Note the similarities in stance and activity engaged in:

However, the comparison of the two brings out (to me, anyway) why the Greeks are and always will be superior to the Scots:

(a) the Scot doesn't get to wear pompoms on HIS shoes; and
(b) what else is missing from the Scottish version... three guesses and the first two don't count... tick tock tick tock. Bzzz. Ah, yes... the Parthenon! In fact, no big ass buildings at all, really. I guess the workers were too busy running and hiding from the 50,123rd squeaky squally version of "Scots Wha Hae" or "Amazing Grace" to build all those columns. Hmm.

(No rude comments along the lines of "Ah, but wha' is under the Greek's skirt, hen?", please!!)

5. A Woman's Work is Never Done

And while Nick is up at the Parthenon carrying on YET AGAIN, here's what his wife and daughter are doing:


Note the monochromatic and dull colour scheme in contrast with the bright peacock colours of Takis the Evzonas (or was that Takis the Mangas... or Takis the Malakas? Hmm). Fitting, somehow.

But check out the detail:


What is it exactly she is collecting? The last time I saw something like this was on the school trip to Sharbot Lake and the maple bush, but as far as I know they don't have maple trees in Greece. Hmm. Perhaps it's what she needs to drink in order to stay shacked with Nick? Or...

(Nick rolls in at about midnight, three sheets to the wind yet again)

SPIROULA: Your dinner that I spent two days killing, plucking and cooking over the wood fire is COLD!!!! Were you out at that Parthenon again? You promised you would stop going there so much.

NICK: (staggering to the nearest chair and sitting down) Skase (shut up), woman. I'm tired. Why don't you use the microwave that Yorgo got me off the back of the truck, anyway??? Get me some ouzo/raki (depending on the part of Greece). AMESOS! (right away). It's not easy standing at the Parthenon and having your photo taken by all those tourists, you know.

SPIROULA: Your boss came and smashed the microwave because he was so upset that you hadn't shown up to work for the 3rd week in a row...or was it because you beat his brother-in-law at poker?! And I'm sick and tired of you...

NICK: I said, SKASMOS!! (shut the beep up). Enough! (muttering)... Women talk too much. "They told the old woman to take a dump and she went and s**t out her bowels". [NOTE: this is a perhaps not so ancient greek cliche standing for the that time honoured proposition "Women talk too much". In the Greek "ipane stin gria na hesei ke piye ke exakoliastike").

SPIROULA: You're right, hryso mou (my golden one), you're right. I'll get your drink right away (chuckling to herself as she goes to the urn containing the sap from the poison tree so painstakingly collected earlier that day for just such a moment...)

6. The Happy Couple

And, just in case you didn't think that Greek men and women ever did anything together...

I should note that this plate, unlike all the others, is only about 3 inches in diameter and is meant to go underneath a demitasse cup. They probably only put this image of the happy couple in full Greek Village drag because there was no room for the Parthenon on the saucer...

7. Greek Canadian Schlock

And finally (phew!) my attempt to live up to the proud artistic heritage of those whose works are so lovingly displayed above:



This is my attempt at an evil eye ("mati") plate which is meant to ward off the evil eye. It was originally gifted to a recipient who shall remain nameless, but who had apparently decided that this work of art was meant to collect cigarette lighters, matches and old unopened phone bills on the kitchen table (despite the plate stand that was gifted with it, which I had thought made the purpose obvious). So, this offended artist took back the gift. It now occupies a place of honour underneath my computer desk as it is so heavy that I am frightened to hang it. Materials: heavy plate from the dollar store, stained glass and tile grout.

I'm not so much worried that it would break as that it would inevitably fall down on my head as I was passing and cause permanent brain damage (having said, if you've made it all the way through this long ramble, you may well be thinking "Too late for that!")