23 January 2008

How do you know when you've crossed the line into fibrefooldom?

My name is Kristina and I am a Fibrefool. (Hi Kristina!)

(And no, you are not on the Yarn Harlot's website. It is still me. But I'm not feeling too imaginative today so I will just have to rehash a very tired old concept. Sorry 'bout that!)

Now, I know I'm not alone out here - as will be demonstrated later in this post. I'm not quite sure when the transition from knitter to fibrefool took place exactly. But I can assure you that the fibrefooldom is currently in full swing (great for me, not so great for my pocketbook!)

So - how can you tell if you, too, are a Fibrefool? The guide below is a good starting point, I think.
You keep buying fancy yarns...

(my latest acquisition - Handmaiden Mini Maiden. My three favourite colours in one perfect skein!)
...despite the fact that you have approximately 15 kilometres of the stuff in the house already.

You delude yourself into thinking that you can duplicate artistic masterpieces of ages past using yarn.You create effigies to sock needles which you have broken in your overzealous knitting efforts.

You then post pictures of said effigies to your blog in the mistaken belief that other people actually care.

You knit all of your clothing for work - even business suits.

You hallucinate that your toy ducks are making love underneath your sweater-in-progress...

... and then you pose one of them on top of "Niagara Falls".

You see any knitting pattern (for example, this...

...or this...)

... and start mentally cataloguing the stash to see if you've got anything that will do.

You get a lovely leather coat as a gift...

... and the first thing that you do is head to the yarn store to get yarn to match. You don't, however, actually wear the coat itself to the yarn store... because none of your 2,159 other knitted hats and scarves quite match!

You then decide that you want a contrast yarn instead of one of the skeins of yarn you bought, and go back to the yarn store.

However, you don't return the skein you don't want... after all, it will come in handy in future, won't it?

When you're in the yarn store, you often have internal dialogues with yourself about the wisdom of the (inevitable) expenditures...

me and my twin

(but, even more frightening, you find that you are having those internal conversations less and less - and just spending.)

About the only solace I can take from any of this is that I am not alone. There's Holly, who is so fibre foolish that she makes hats out of baby sweaters when there are no babies left to knit for:

... and who also knits sweaters to cover up her other sweaters:

Then there's Susie who has done so much damage to her eyes from fine lacework that she had to mug a coal miner to get an essential piece of equipment:

(Susie, I suggest you invest in bifocals like I did - a bit more expensive, but no potential for jail time. )

And now for some silly reason this headlamp has reminded me of the oldPeter Cook sketch:

Yes, I could have been a judge but I never had the Latin, never had the Latin for the judgin', I never had it, so I'd had it, as far as bein' a judge was concerned. I just never had sufficient of it to get through the rigourous judging exams. They're noted for their rigour. People come out staggering and saying "My God, what a rigourous exam!" - and so I became a miner instead. A coal miner. I managed to get through the mining exams--they're not rigourous, they only ask one question, they say, "Who are you", and I got 75 per cent on that. I'd rather have been a judge than a miner. Being a miner, as soon as you are too old and tired and sick and stupid to do the job properly, you have to go. Well, the very opposite applies with judges.

But, as ever, I digress. Fibrefoolishness is a very sad disorder, isn't it? However, you can help. For less than the price of your daily newspaper each day...
(Pardon? You read the newspaper on line? Well, for a third of the price of a Starbucks Mucho Grande Caffe Latte with soy mild, then...)
...you can Sponsor a FibreFool. Yes, that's right. For only $27.99 a month you can give help and solace to those who need it most. In exchange, you will get abundant photos of finished objects made with your donations - and not to mention that warm glow that comes when you have done something very altruistic. For more information, call 1 (888) YAR-NCON and ask for Brouhaha.

Thank you in advance for your anticipated cooperation with my scam get rich quick scheme charitable endeavours!