Brouhaha's Guide to Frogging Without Tears

I had a very traumatic experience this past Saturday. I'm sure any knitter who's stopped by here can relate.

Imagine this: here I was, carrying merrily along on my Icarus Shawl. Knitting on autopilot. The dulcet tones of Chris Noth of Law and Order fame playing on the background were half tuned out by that grandiose gloaty voice in my head singing "You rawk. You are the knitting Lace Queen. This is so easy. You're a star. Man, you kick knitting @$$. One day, everyone else will realise what you know to be true already: you rule the knitting world. Yarn Harlot??!? Who the hell is she anyway?"

And so on and so forth.

Until, that is, Little Ms Knitting Genius decided to stop and admire her creation, some 20 rows after the last time she had bothered to have a look at it. At first, all looked fabulous, as expected:



Until, all of a sudden, I spied with my little undeluded eye:


this.

(Now, I know that this photo does not point out the sheer horror of what I had done. I can't explain why - the best I can think is that the vale of tears which ensued after seeing a HUGE GAPING HOLE CAUSED BY AN EYELET ROW IN THE WRONG $(#(*$&@(#*$&(# PLACE flowed over the camera lens. Suffice it to say that the little white blob in the lower left hand side of the photo is not supposed to be there.)

The little "you are Queen of the Knitting World voice" was almost immediately replaced by a huge booming thunderclap stating:

ENEMY THY NAME IS...

I mean, really. Look at Frogman himself, laughing at me in several iterations.

After screaming, effing and blinding for twenty minutes or so, I headed out to the balcony with the offending UFO in hand. The landscape looked like this:

...and the inevitable happened.

By this point I was clearly weakened by my little hissy fit, and so Icarus did not manage to clear the balcony (in retrospect, my vindication for having always been the last to be picked for softball in public school, I guess).

Luckily for Icarus, JJ the Wise soon came home from work. He immediately knew something was wrong as I was not parked in my usual position on the couch knitting. A walk on the estate (as he calls the 32 foot balcony, in his weird British Isles way) soon shed light.

He came back in, Icarus in hand, and said:

It didn't quite sound like that, but you get the point.

After another 20 minutes or so, during which JJ explained to me the folly of blaming a puir wee Muppet for my screwups, reminded me that he had left this

out on the balcony for pitching practice the last time I had tried to sacrifice a recalcitrant UFO to the forest ("D'ye really think the raccoons can eat silk, hen?") and exhorted me to take full responsibility for my mistake ("Look in the mirror, lassie, and see the world!"), I was finally able to stop whingeing and start thinking about solutions.

(And really, no one ever died ripping back a piece of knitting... did they?)

So I settled down to the task at hand. In penance for my bad behaviour, I'd like to share with you what I learned in the event that it might help others in future.

The Guide:

1. Make sure that you have all your frogging supplies gathered and close at hand before starting to rip.

These include:

(a) a knitting needle one or two sizes smaller than your working needle. In my sample, the needle to the right is the 3.0mm working needle. The needle to the left is the "pick-up" needle and is 2.5mm.

If you don't happen to have a smaller knitting needle, find a small crochet hook. In fact, it's helpful to have both at hand:

And if you don't have a small crochet book, go out and buy one now. This cost ... I don't know ... $3 or so and has been a UFOsaver too many times to count.

Oh, and don't forget your stress release tools:
(Yes, that's the soundtrack from Zorba the Greek in the background. I don't have a turntable any more so can't actually listen to it. It will be used in a future project though - stay tuned.)

2. Start to rip.

And yes, you will feel sad when you do this. (If you don't, please drop me a line and tell me your secret.) There is little that looks more forlorn to me than all those vulnerable little stitches hanging open in the air.

Some pointers about ripping:

(a) Do it very, very slowly. This is because if the yarn sticks to itself at all, you will need to tug at it very gently and patiently every so often. Otherwise, you will end up having to rip out more rows than necessary when big huge eyelets start to appear below the row you are actually ripping, at the sticking points. Learn from my mistakes.

(and, by the way, can someone explain to me why silky smooth laceweight silk acts as though it has a fine coat of Krazyglue on it when you're trying to rip it back?!?!)

(b) Save all of your stitch markers in a handy place. (I have not found "in between the chesterfield cushions" to be all that handy, really... but if it works for you, good - because that is usually where they end up. However, this position works better for me:

Aren't they lovely? I like how the green ones match the knitting, actually. But I digress.)

(c) Make sure and stop every so often to wind the yarn that you have ripped. This is especially important with laceweight yarn, to avoid nasty fankles that lead to this:

"This", by the way, is two balls of Handmaiden Lace Silk where once there was one. Sigh. (But on the upside, this finally motivated me to try the Russian Join technique for joining balls of yarn. Try it. It's magic!)

(d) If you are ripping back lace, it is easier to pick up stitches on the right side of the work due to all those pesky little eyelets. Trust me on this one. This means that the last row you rip should be a wrong side row and that the yarn should end up at the end of a right side row. (Sorry if I'm belabouring the obvious. I'm probably stupider than you are.)

(e) Keep count of how many rows you are ripping back and, when you've finished, figure out what pattern row you are at. If it is lace or involves decreases or increases, it will be helpful to have a general sense of the pattern to avoid picking-up booboos.

3. Pick up your smaller needle and start picking up stitches, one by one - and SLOWLY.

Now, it will be helpful at this point if the work you have messed up is done in variegated yarn so that you can actually tell the difference between the yarn you are continuing to rip and the loose stitches. (Another reason to rejoice in the multicoloured world, in my opinion).

In this photo, the brown strand at the top is the yarn that I am pulling back, and the green loops are the loose stitches. If all goes well, this is the last row you will have to rip.

Pull gently on the strand of "working" yarn to release each stitch one by one if possible (if you're dealing with YOs, however, note that two stitches will come loose at each decrease point) and pick up with your needle.

(The eagle eyes amongst you will note that I didn't end up actually using the smaller needle after all. This is because I'm an idiot. But it was a good idea at the time, I thought.)

Oh - it's a good idea to know where any yarnovers were in the original row, as these can be a bit tricky. This is where the crochet hook can come in handy - simply grab the little wee thread that will be sitting inside the hole, and put it onto the needle. It's as easy as that!

Another reason for doing this S-L-O-W-L-Y: more often than you would like from time to time you will find that a stitch will unravel two down, especially if you are working with silk. This is easy to fix if you catch it right away... just grab the other end of your needle/other needle or your crochet hook, grab the offending strand and pull it through.

You will also save yourself some sanity if you don't worry too much about how the stitch you've picked up sits or twists on the needle. Just get it on there. This is easy enough to figure out when you start knitting again, in my experience.

This is another photo further along. I'm feeling much happier by this point, although I don't know if you can tell that or not.

And, 300 odd stitches later, success was mine!!

4. Doublecheck your reconstituted row to make sure there are still no loose stitches hanging.

You will be glad you took the time to do this, trust me. And it's simple - just take a good hard look at your top row of knitting. Any stragglers or offenders should be obvious, like so:

See naughty little stitch no. 7 from the left!??!?! Bastard.

(Actually, I'm quite chuffed to report that I had no loose stitches hanging. I actually went back and did this one on purpose for the photo. Seriously. You see how I suffer for my art?!)

And this is how to go back and fix it.

(I confess, I was a tad stressed during this whole process. I'm sure you'll note this from the state of my thumbnail.)

Oh - and you may find that your loose little bastard stitch is much further in than the one I recreated for you here. Fear not. All that you need to do in that event is secure it with a removable stitch marker or safety pin so that it doesn't ravel down any further.

5. Start knitting your first new row.

You're almost finished fixing your UFO now!! So, some tips to make sure your frogging experience finishes smoothly:

(a) Do this slowly. And count your stitches as you're going along.

(b) Replace all your stitch markers at this point. This will help you ensure that your pattern is in order.

(c) Keep a look out for twisted stitches. It's usually easy to tell when you've done this as your needle does not slide in as easily to the stitch as it usually would. If you find this, simply remove that stitch from the needle with your right hand needle, twist, and replace onto the left hand needle.

(d) Study the work as you're going along to make sure everything looks OK and that there are no little pesky bastard loose stitches still hanging around.

And that's it!! You're back on track. Huzzah! Huzzah!



(er... sorry. I digress yet again. The "Beer" episode of Blackadder was on again yesterday. You know, the one where they all get plastered and carry on like fools and nearly all get executed by Queen Elizabeth I?!? A personal favourite.)


Back to our regularly scheduled programme now...

6. Go have a drink or a fatty snack, or even both. You've earned it!

And there you have it - a rather half-@$$ed guide to frogging success! I hope it's somewhat helpful. No need to see red any longer, really...

(The art is by Maggie Barnes. Man, I wish I could paint!!! Sigh.)

As proof of the pudding, I offer you my latest photo of Icarus, approximately 45 rows after the frogging schmozzle:

I'm liking this knit more or less, although am getting rather bored with this pattern sequence. There's either another 24 or another 46 rows to go, depending on how many pattern repeats I decide to go with.

And, stay tuned for a Brouhaha Design Feature. One hint... it involves this:

(And no, this is not a blurry photo of yarn - although, given the usual quality of photos on this blog, I certainly wouldn't blame you for thinking so!)

Hey, that Kermit isn't that evil looking after all:


Rather swish, eh?

My only remaining problem: I really feel like calling in sick and working on Icarus, but that would be a dangerous precedent to set, methinks. So, time to sign off and get out the door.

Happy Monday!

how to make your very own fabulous Moebius-bosomed top!!

Please note: this pattern tutorial is also available at my new blog, Bespoke By Brouhaha! Why not come on over and say hi?

Are you craving a slinky sexy show-off-your-assets silky top to banish the winter blues (or, if in Australia or anywhere else where it is summer right now, to prance around with at the beach)?



If so, do I have the tutorial for you!! Well, perhaps not "tutorial" so much as "half-assed step by step ramble on how to put together your very own custom fit Moebius-bosom top" (and if you've tripped across this tutorial by accident, check out the original blog post for more pics!

Legalistic type bumf: Please feel free to print out for your own use and to share with other knitters or link from your own blog. However, kindly do not repost in full without crediting me. All rights reserved. Moebius technique is the work of Cat Bordhi and is not reproduced here. The idea for the beaded bodice is adapted from the River Rock scarf by Sivia Harding.

Secondary warning... this post is very, very long. It has some technique photos and that's my excuse.)

1. Get one of the Treasuries of Magical Knitting by Cat Bordhi for instructions on the Moebius cast-on technique.

I know, I know - some tutorial when I'm telling you to shell out cash up front (unless, of course, you already have one of these wonderful books!). However, you won't regret it.

(And please note that I can't vouch for any other techniques to accomplish this effect, which is basically knitting a short scarf in the round which is attached at both ends with a half-twist in it. Except that Cat explains it far better than I. Get the book. All page references given here are for A Treasury of Magical Knitting.)

2. Do a tension/gauge sample.


Now, as you might have gathered, I'm not a big fan of swatching in the ordinary course. However, for a top like this it was necessary because even a couple of inches differential over the whole Moebius would mean that it would be sagging on me.

The yarn I used was Svale of Dalegarn (a DK/worsted with cotton/silk/viscose blend - 50g=108m). I got a tension of 20 sts and 28 rows over 4" / 10 cm using 4mm needles.

Oops - this step assumes you've picked yarn! How silly. You see the specs above. The Svale is very nice to work with, and results in a soft fabric. Some good subs would be:

- Ella Rae Silkience (cotton/modal/silk/rayon
- SWTC Oasis (soysilk - but caution, it might sag)

If you don't want the silky sheen, I'd go for a light cotton. If you want ultra clingy, try Cascade Fixation. And of course there's always Handmaiden Silken... STOP!!

Oh - you will need circular needles of 47" length for the Moebius. For the rest of the top, if planning to knit in the round, pick whichever needles best go with your body size. I used 32" circulars, which would work OK for a medium or large as well.

3. Decide what size you want to make for yourself.

I should note that in the pattern for myself there were several inches of negative ease. This means that for a 34" bustline (my bra size is 34C) I elected to make a smaller top to ensure a close fit - 29" or so.

Cat Bordhi makes this very easy by providing a chart of how many stitches to cast on for a Moebius Scarf (at p.20). For my purpose (because I wanted something very closefitting) I erred on the side of caution and came up with a number partway between "my" size and the next smallest - 144 stitches.

For your purpose, you'll need to decide if you want the bust piece super tight (like mine) or less tight (as would work out with Cat's recommendation for the scarf size).

Example:

- my stitch tension was 20 stitches per four inches or five stitches per inch.
- I wanted a 32" circumference.
- at my tension, to get a 32" circumference, I would have to cast on [32x5=] 160 stitches.
- however, I wanted it a bit closer fitting so elected to go with 144 stitches or approximately 29" circumference (my sample was quite stretchy).

If you are not as much of a showoff as I (which I imagine is quite likely!), I'd go with two or three inches of negative ease.

You will also need to know how wide you want to make your Moebius strip. For this, I suggest measuring yourself wearing a comfortable bra (by which I mean, one which provides good coverage, mind you). Take the measurement right from the bottom of the cup to where you think you want the Moebius to cover up to:


Mine was seven inches. If you are more modest than I, you might want to add an inch or two.

NB. One suggestion (which Cat kindly gave me in an Email) to double-check all of this: cut up an old t-shirt in the approximate length and width and try it out to see what works for you... then calculate your stitch tension per inch and multiply by the number of inches you want. (And... follow the time-honoured adage "Do as I say, not as I do" because I was too foolhardy lazy free-spirited to do this, but it is a good idea.

Clear as mud?

FAQ: How many skeins of yarn will I need for my top?

Well, I don't know if you'll be any wiser at the end of this question: but if you've got a similar tension to me and use the same or a similar yarn, I can give you a rough guide.

My moebius strip took 90g of yarn and contained 6,400 stitches (25 rows x 256 sts) plus cast on plus cast off = approximately 6,800 stitches worth for a seven inch wide Moebius.

The ribbed portion took 180g of yarn and contained 9548 stitches (77 rows x 124 sts) for an 11 inch length. With casting off, I approximate 9,750 stitches.

The straps took approximately 25 grams of yarn total (this is a high estimate - I didn't actually weigh it) and were 840 stitches (70 rows x 12 stitches) - with casting off let's say 880 stitches worth.

So:

total stitches = [6,800 + 9,750 + 880=] 17,430 stitches (wow! Don't let this put you off! My Curve of Pursuit had something like 90,000 stitches in it...)

total grams of yarn = [90 + 180 + 25 =]270

total yardage: this yarn had 108m per 50 grams or [108 / 50 =]2.16 m per gram. So - the total is [270 grams x 2.16] = 583 metres.

This worked out to just less than six skeins of the Svale. Now, I don't vouch for the math, but if you know how long you want the top to be and how big the Moebius, AND you have a swatch, you can work it out for yourself! See why swatching is important?!

End of speech.

Stressed out yet? Fear not. This was the hardest part by far. Trust me. And I'm not even good at maths!

4. String some beads onto your yarn.

For this pattern you will need to put the beads directly onto your working yarn. Here's how: You will need dental floss threaders (available at most drugstores):


I think they look like nooses. JJ thinks they look like lassoes (I think he watched too many westerns growing up...or maybe I'm just warped. Probably both things are true...).

Anyway, put a long tail of your yarn through the "noose" part (and if you want to save yourself a lot of effing and blinding, make it at least nine inches or so. You really don't want to be picking up beads off the floor, do you?! I learned this from bitter experience).

Then slip some beads onto the long part like so:

...and push them down over the noose onto the yarn. Simple, eh?

As a rough guide as to how many beads to start with - I used 2 skeins (100g) of my chosen yarn for the Moebius and placed 342 beads in it. So - if you want a similar amount of beads, go with 170 or so beads on the first skein to be safe.

You might want to push groups of them down further into your skein before starting to knit, to avoid them all bunching up. But - it's good exercise! You should see my biceps!!

4. Find some stitch markers.

If you're as lackadaisical as I tend to be, you may well not even know what these are. So, just in case:

The ones on the left side are removable (and I will confess that I didn't know what these were until I saw them mentioned in a crochet book a year ago or so). The other ones are the regular kind. Removable stitch markers in particular are your friends. Use liberally.

Since I left this note rather late in the tutorial, you may not be in a position to go out and buy removable stitch markers. Waste yarn and a tapestry needle will give the same result. Just take at least six inches of the waste yarn and thread it through the live stitch with the tapestry needle, letting both ends dangle.

6. Start knitting!

Finally!! you say!!

Cast on the appropriate amount of stitches using the Moebius technique.

An alternative... you could, I suppose, just knit a long strip in the appropriate length and width then just fold over and sew together. I believe Elizabeth Zimmerman did this. It will not be a true Moebius strip but could well work.

Start to knit, placing a marker at the beginning of the round. If you are planning to use beads, you should place another marker midway through your stitches (so as to distinguish between the front and the back). Note that while you are knitting this it doesn't matter which is which... just that half your stitches should be marked off as "front" and half as "back".

Bead pattern:
I would encourage you to experiment with this. However, if you really want to go with mine, here it is (mine was done over 25 rows and 72 stitches - half of 144 for the total - for an approximate width of seven inches). You could use stitch markers to divide off your sequences. Mine was done over a nine stitch sequence and repeated eight times, knitting all rows - you could choose to knit, purl or alternate - up to you!):

Row 1: knit.
Row 2: place bead (PB) between 7th and 8th stitch; repeat
Row 3: PB between 6th and 7th stitch
Row 4: PB between 1st and 2nd stitch
Row 5: PB between 3rd and 4th stitch
Row 6: PB between 4th and 5th stitch
Row 7: PB between 5th and 6th stitch
Row 8: PB between 6th and 7th stitch
Row 9: PB between 2nd and 3rd stitch

Rows 10-12: knit (or purl) all rows

Rows 13-20: repeat Rows 2 through 9, but backwards. That is, start at Row 9 (which is now Row 13) and end at Row 2 (which is now Row 20).

Row 21: knit (or purl) one row.

(time to scrap the nine row repeat!)

Row 22: PB between 1st and second stitch and then every third stitch after
Row 23: PB between 2nd and 3rd stitch and then every third stitch to the end of your front piece
Row 24: PB between 3rd and 4th stitch and then every third stitch after

(this results in little left leaning diagonal slashes.

Row 25: Knit (or purl) one row.

After this (or after you've finished the number of rows you need to get the width you want!), it will be time to cast off.

FAQ: How do I place beads?
Simple! Knit to the stitch just before where you want to place the bead, then insert the needle into the back of the next stitch (k1b) and shove the bead right to the base of your working yarn.

Bring the yarn over the needle as you do when you are knitting without beads...

...then slip the stitch off the needle. Voila! (Oops - the photo for that one didn't turn out. Oh well.)

If you're purling, the same principles apply. Do not worry if the bead doesn't look like it's sitting normally. This will correct itself. I promise.

7. Cast off your Moebius then pick up stitches to knit the body of your top.
I recommend the applied i-cord castoff that Cat Bordhi favours (and displays very well with photos in the book at p. 28-29). The technique can also be seen here. It is a bit tedious to my view, but worth the result.

Put a removable stitch marker on the first stitch. This will form the centre front of your top.

Why a removable marker? I just want to save you the heartache that comes from your flinging stitch markers under the couch by accident in the deluded belief that the stitch marker will not go missing from the needles...

#$&*@#($*#@&$(*#$. I believe that the underside of my couch is Toronto's biggest graveyard for stitch markers. I should note that I don't really know, as I haven't ever cleaned under the couch in some time. But I'm digressing.

Cat also describes how to pick up stitches beneath the i-cord (in the hat pattern at pp. 66-67). Pick up the stitches as if to knit on the right side, but inside the moebius itself. It doesn't matter which side you select - trust me!).

The trick here - you only need to pick up HALF the bound off stitches (in my example, 144 instead of 288 - the Moebius technique results in your knitting double the amount of stitches in each round that you have cast on. All will make sense when you see the Book.). The other half will form the top opening.

Now, if you decide to try on the tube top at this point and find it to be loose and hanging down on the top, fret not. I did, and it wasn't worth it. All will work out.

8. Knit the body of your top.

The number of rows you knit will depend upon how long you want the top.

First row: join work to knit in the round, marking the first stitch (which is at the centre and front). Knit to just before the last stitch in a round (that is, the stitch before the marker). Slip that stitch to your right needle, remove the marker, replace the stitch you just slipped to the left needle, then knit the next three stitches together - this decreases two stitches from your total. Place a removable marker on your right needle just before the resulting stitch (new first stitch of the round).

I did all of this to eliminate a little gap that had formed at the base of the moebius fold. If you need to repeat it on the second round (as I did), no problem. Just make sure you factor in the reduced stitch count.

After this, what you do is up to you, really! I had initially decided just to do a plain stockinette - and I still think that would look very good with the Moebius at the top. However, I had some beads left and so I elected to pay honour to Sivia Harding's lovely River Rock scarf pattern with a similar pattern.

I used a 4x4 rib for the entire base. Beyond that, I don't feel comfortable sharing how I placed the beads because it is very highly derivative of Sivia's pattern (which I would recommend that anyone try - it's in the No Sheep for You book or possibly available through her website. Check out her blog while you're at it for some of the most beautiful lace patterns I've ever seen!).

The rib has the benefit of not needing any waist shaping (which I find to be a pain, although I like the end result enough to go for it).

All this to say - go wild and do whatever you want! It's your top! A little flared "skirt" at the bottom would be lovely too - or cables - or whatever your little heart desires!

9. Come up with some straps for your top.

I would encourage creativity here... having said that, I kind of chickened out and went for
rather common or garden knitted straps.

I had actually thought about using a necktie to sew in some straps...

... but didn't really have anything in the right colours (this was the closest. Must go to Goodwill soon!). JJ has one which would have been perrrfect, but I value my life and I don't know what quality it would have if I took scissors to his favourite necktie!

Other ideas include:

- wide grosgrain ribbon
- i-cord
- x back knitted straps (check out the X-back Ribbon Tank on knitty.com for instructions).

I went with a 4x4 rib (like in the bottom of my piece) and placed one "bead rock" on each strap:

Oops - the photo is sideways! Oh well. You get the point, I'm sure.

Whichever method you choose, here's a trick to figure out the correct length. If you've got someone to help you out, try on the top and hold up the Moebius to the point at which you want it to rise (or fall, depending upon your mood...!). Then get your friend to measure from point to point over your shoulders.

If you don't have anyone to help you out, or are impatient to get it done... take said favourite bra, try on the top over it, and mark with safety pins where you want the top to fit. Then measure.

(You may have noticed that in both photos with the measuring tape I have measured from the end of the tape. I tell JJ that this is because I want to practice my maths skills. The real reason is that it came wound up like that, and I'm too lazy to rewind it all. Sigh).

Anyway, I then picked up stitches in the appropriate places and knit the straps on. To bind off, I picked up an inside stitch under the i-cord on the opposite side together with my live stitch and bound off that way.

10. Find your fanciest hat and go to town showing off your fabulous new top!
I hope this tutorial has been somewhat useful, or at least marginally amusing. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to drop me a line!

Cheers,

Kristina

PS. I do realise after the fact that this tutorial jumps from point 4 to point 6. I've made an editorial decision not to change it to the proper numbering as I think this boo-boo goes with the tone of the post... :-)

Please note: this pattern tutorial is also available at my new blog, Bespoke By Brouhaha! Why not come on over and say hi?

How to make your very own 21st Century Straightjacket

(or: Brouhaha's Tips for Faking it When You Don't Know How to Sew)

Have you gazed with envy, nay, hatred, upon those friends or acquaintances who whip up haute couture garments effortlessly and cheaply on their sewing machine, then tell you "oh, it's easy"? Are you a knitter who is used to needles at least 3 mm thick and deathly afraid of those baby pointed things that can do real damage?

If so, fear not. You, too, can make beautiful couture garments with no sewing experience - and on the (super duper) cheap!

And you probably won't break skin by stabbing yourself with a sewing needle... if you take it gently. Just read on.

"Tried and Not True" Tips will be inset for your convenience. (I initially thought of calling this "What Not To Do". But of course, you're free to do what you want. And maybe what didn't work for me will work very well for you!)

EXPERIENCED SEAMSTERS PLEASE READ THIS: This blog post is in no way intended to minimise your great expertise and highly polished finished results. On the contrary. Please view it as an attempt by a sewing-challenged individual to attempt to reach step two on the ladder to your vaunted heights without shelling out for lessons or instructional materials.

My sewing example for today is my project entitled Fit to Be Tied.


1. Pick a theme for your piece

I'm not going to insult anyone here with the term "optional" (usually in parentheses). I have thrown far too many recipe books off the balcony because of this one seemingly inoffensive little word. Of course (for example) cayenne pepper in a chicken dish is "optional". So is the chicken, and everything else down from there. When I grow up I'm going to write a million-selling cookbook called "If You Can Hold Your Finger In It For As Long As It Takes You To Count To 14 Without Your Finger Burning, It's Time To Move On To The Next Step" (a time-honoured Greek cooking tip in the recipe for yogourt, guaranteed to ensure that no one else can actually replicate your award-winning recipe. (Um... guess I'd better work on that title).

However, if you just want something to wear and don't feel like importing deep symbolism into it, use your best judgment. I'm certain it will be better than mine. End of side rant.

I came across the base materials for this at the Goodwill:


My base theme became immediately apparent to me: anti-corporate law!!! (see my Lawsuitproject if you want more background on this theme).

The secondary theme (which quickly became the main theme) - straitjackets - came some time later. About halfway through the project I wondered if I hadn't internalised The Tudors a bit too much. Then I thought that I was dwelling too much on work a bit too much. Finally it came to me: the piece was meant to represent:

(a) the tyranny of the corporate workplace;
(b) the fact that men wearing colourful ties tend to run the world, which constrains the rest of us.

Then I could sleep. ;-)

2. Make Sure You Have All Your Materials:

The materials I used are the following:


- sewing needle (make sure it's fairly sharp and small enough to let beads pass over, if you're using them)
- 6/0 beads or seed beads - I used about 500 in this project
- buttons (vintage or otherwise)

You will also need:
- thread (I know, I know... but I started trying to do this project without thread!!!). I picked a fairly resilient type, in black. Any colour that doesn't clash with the main colours of your piece will do.
- sharp scissors (fabric ones preferable - I know the sewing gods will frown upon me, but I just got a Singer pair at Loblaws for $8 that seems to do the trick).
- straight pins with the cute little colours at the end (available at most quality dollar stores or a fabric store)

You may also like to have handy:
- a seam ripper
- a thimble
- a dressform

(I did my work mostly on Aphrodite, my trusty dressform. It would help if you had one of those... if only to lay out your design. If not, I think you could improvise with a dress hanger and a shower rail).

2a. Find some appropriate music or television viewing to craft by.

While I made this piece, I listened to the following albums ad nauseam:

(Yes - ABBA. Don't rag me about listening to ABBA. I am a big fan - and this album is my favourite. Bet you didn't know that ABBA has dark music, either. If you don't believe me, click this link. Bjorn and Benny must have been on the outs when this one was penned! I suspect these lyrics largely affected the more paranoid content of the vest, not to mention the straitjacket theme, actually.

And while we're on the topic of musical preferences, let it be known that I was listening to so-called "lounge music" well before those who are too cool for school started to remix it and turn it into 21st century nightclub fodder. OK?!

Television viewing for crafting in the JB household tends toward:
- Dr. House reruns
- Law and Order reruns
- The Food Network
- British police procedurals and legal dramas (my current fave is Judge John Deed. Gotta love those wigs!!
- nature programmes (but only if JJ insists)
- science programmes (ditto re. JJ)

3. Decide how you want to put together your base materials.

I started designing the piece from the front and left the back for later (and in the process, completely changed my mind... more later).

Drape the neckties around your form (or hanger) until you see what you want to do. A criss-cross pattern worked for me:

If it's not evident from the photo, I used six neckties on the front (for a small). They were arranged in an alternating pattern of [fat end, skinny end]. If you can figure out how to make a top with all of the fat ends in the front, please do advise.

Do not worry if all or your neckties are not of identical width. It will all come out in the wash.

4. Pin the ties as you'd like to sew them, then sew them one by one.

Tried and Not True:I decided that it would be a really good idea to use my new favourite toy, the gluegun, to assemble this piece in full with no sewing. Mistake. It did seem like a good idea at least to adhere the neckties to the top with the gluegun and skip the pinning out. Until glue blobs like this started to happen:


Not only is it virtually impossible to sew through these (when the glue fails to adhere and your neckties start falling off), but you might end up with impossible to remove blobs that show!

(What does the government do when you call them in a panic complaining about errant glue blobs?
They initiate a top level cover up! Quelle surprise!)

So - use the glue gun at your peril, and don't say you weren't warned!!

I used running stitch for the outside edges, and cross-stitch (from my vague recollection of needlepoint) to attach two ties together in the centre. This took a very long time... mostly because I only realised at the very last minute that I was doing the cross-stitch incorrectly. Any google search done with that word will probably yield you simple and accurate instructions for both).

This is an example of my rather lame running stitch:
5. Apply beads if you'd like

I'm going to confess that the only reason I thought about using beads was that my stitching looks so atrocious that I figured no one would notice with sparkly beads. Did it work?
I should note that I only put beads where I had used the running stitch. The cross stitch also looked rather ridiculous, but I figured it had a Frankensteinish sort of appeal (you will note that I don't offer a close-up view, however).

I did also put beads around the bottom of the top (that's confusing, isn't it? you know what I mean) and anouth the points of some of the neckties).

If you're trying this at home, sew the front neckties up to the shoulder seam of the top you're using, unless you have a better idea that involves less sewing (and please do advise me if so!).

6. Decide whether you can live with assymetry.

Why are neckties all different lengths, anyway? I must confess that my type-A side was not happy with the uneven edge left by the neckties at the front (and back). However, I was too lazy to figure out what to do about it. So, we'll just call this a "design feature" . I gather assymmetrical hemlines are in these days, anyway. Good time for me to take up sewing!

7. Decide what you want to do with the back of your piece.

Initially, I had thought I would want to go with a criss-cross like at the front of the piece. But by the time I had finished that (try stabbing through layers of glue and neckties with a small needle if you think I'm impatient. I warped three of them!), I decided that wasn't going to happen.

My first option was this peacock-like arrangement:

Then JJ (who was patiently sitting by, as always - I'm very lucky that way) said "Why don't you try this?"
Good idea!!

I should note that JJs idea, however, also involved sewing all the ends down after they had been weaved together at the top. As you will imagine, I wasn't into it. I slept on it (barely) and thought that the braiding would work well with what had by this point become the straitjacket theme:


Originally I thought it would be OK to leave the weaved/braided portion loose (and if this were only to be an art piece, I would have left it like that). However, I realised that this was probably not practical for wearing, especially when negotiating the ever-crowded and obnoxious transit system. So, I decided to affix the weaved portion together with little beads and side stitching with more beads:

There is one bead in the centre of each "weaved" portion.

I then braided the remaining pieces partway. The braids are affixed with buttons which I sewed on:


Part of the logic for this was that they would be easy enough to take off (provided they don't fall off by themselves, given my execrable sewing skills) if I wanted to go the "peacock" route in future.

For this reason (as well as through general laziness), I decided not to affix the braids. They are hanging loose. I'll let you know if this proves irritating when I wear the piece to work on Tuesday.

8. Give your sleeves some fancy cuffs!

I had decided partway through that I would use my two extra neckties to try to make some cuffs for the sleeves.

This allowed me the fascinating perpective of a dissected necktie (and from what I remember from grade 8, far preferable to frog dissection, and no formaldehyde! I get enough of that in my cigarette ration anyway...)

Far more flimsy than I had thought! I guess I believed, given what I see on the news every night, that neckties are the 20th/21st century version of armour. Then again, maybe they are, given that everything these days is made out of plastic where it used to be made from metal....

But I digress. Here are the instructions:

(a) Cut a piece off the bottom of your necktie, about 3-4" higher than the top of the point (see above).

(b) Sew the cut edges together with running stitch leaving about 1/2" border, then trim rough edges.

Tried but Not True Tip: by this point I fancied myself to be quite the sewing genius. I also knew from all of my vast sewing experience that it is often advisable to turn things inside out. Hence:Check me out!! So brilliant... I stitched merrily away, and revealed my new creation, only to find this:

Oops. This is what I told myself:
I then did the correct thing, which was to stuff the sewed necktie cuff into the sleeve rightways up, pin it and sew it (of course I didn't take a photo because I was so peeved with myself and just trying not to pitch the entire project off the balcony.) But here was the final result:
Nice, eh? I added a vintage button as a mock cufflink as well.

9. Add whichever finishing details you desire (or whichever you need to cover up flaws, more frankly).

For example, I added these two buttons to cover up a fray in one of the ties:

(It didn't quite seem to work, but hey).

This, in my view, necessitated adding another button on the other side for balance:(I have no idea where the other button for this Zodiac pair is. It does display my sign, however (upside down in the photo - as JJ would say, nothing changes!) and so I was content.

I also decided to add beads along the seams (in the hope that it would even out some of the unevenness in sewing the ties to the front, as it happens - or at least, distract from it):



... and, every elegant piece deserves a lable:

(tiefed from one of the neckties - and part of the anti-corporate message):


I also put a lovely inside label which quite fits my interest in crafting:

And - that's about it! (isn't that enough!). All this to say that - even if you don't sew, you too can have a lovely bespoke item in just nine steps (and with virtually no bloodshed):



Happy crafting! The tutorial is free - all I ask, if you actually use it, is that you drop me a line with a photo of the results (and whether I can publish them here or not - either is cool, of course).

Cheers,

Kristina