Don'ts for Wives

(apologies to Simon and Garfunkel)

It's 9:00 a.m. on a Saturday
and I do not have to work
so here I sit, smoking cigs and s**t,
and fig'ring what duties to shirk...

So, what can I do instead of getting out my steamshovel and clearing away all the crap currently filling my apartment? I promised myself I wouldn't knit anything until at least the living room and spare room were done...

I know - I could read. That's educational, anyway.



This should be fun. Let's have a look:

From the intro:

Art is a hard mistress, and there is no art quite so hard as being a wife.

Damn tootin'!

Moving along to the main text:

Don't worry about little faults in your husband which merely amused you in your lover. If they were not important then, they are not important now...

Faults? Hmm... such as bugging me to comb my hair all the time? Wanting to be given a medal for washing the dishes? Never throwing out an empty toilet paper roll? who says those aren't important?!?!?

...besides, how about yours?

Mine?!? My faults? I don't have any faults!!


Hmm... on second thought... hey, how do you like my loud hawaiian-style elephant shirt, anyway?


Scored it in Thrift Villa in Parkdale some time back for $5! Not really something a housewife in 1913 would have worn, though, I guess...

But I digress. Back to my reading.

Don't live on top of a spiritual mountain. Try to be "a creature/not too bright and good/for human nature's daily food".

What?!? That doesn't even rhyme? What the hell is this supposed to mean? I'm confused. But then I don't live on top of a spiritual mountain, so I guess I don't have to worry about it.

Let him be as messy as he likes in his own home...

Sure... that is, until I get tired of it and throw away all of his "important paperwork" that he keeps hoarding (junk mail, old newspapers, etc.) later today.

Don't spend half the morning in bed because "there is not enough to get up for". The day is not long enough to do all of the things you might do if you liked.

Oh - such as cleaning up after your husband?!


Anyway, the only reason I sleep in half the morning is that I'm suffering from a bit of the Tenant Advocate cheer the night before. But I guess that wasn't the housewifely done thing in 1913, either. Good thing the list of tips doesn't say: "Go out with the Tenant Advocates for several beer and Irish nachos every Friday after work." I don't think I could stick to that one.

Don't greet him at the door with a catalogue of the dreadful crimes committed by servants during the day.

No fear of that. This is the only servant in the house:

Or is that "helpmeet"?

(Don't feel too sorry for me, though. I think I may have mentioned before that I don't even know how to operate this iron...and I've never quite mastered putting up the ironing board, either. Anyway, substitute "clients" or "boss" [in past!] for "servants" and that is probably a tip I could learn from.)

Don't object to your husband getting a motor-bicycle; merely insist that he shall buy a sidecar for you at the same time.

Hmm - I wonder how JJ would look in a sidecar? What do you think?


JJ - King of the Household.

Don't buy expensive food, and have it ruined in the cooking. If your cook isn't up to French dishes, be satisfied with English ones cooked to perfection.

Well, since I had to let the cook go, the Husband will just have to content himself with this:

At least it fits the "not too expensive" category!

Don't permit yourself for a single instant that nothing is more annoying to a tired man that the sight of half-finished laundry work. The remotest hint in your home of a "washing day" is like a red rag to a bull.

Bull, indeed. Two answers for that guy:
(a) do it yourself, then; or
(b) drop it off at the Wash n Fold!

Anyway, I think I've read enough. Time to get off my lazy @$$ and clean the damn house. I guess I've learned something from the book, eh?

disorderly houses

I'm never sure whether to kiss or curse JJ for introducing me to TV culture as he sees it (before moving in with him, the only TV I watched was Law and Order reruns. I had actually lived for the first seven or eight years in Toronto without a TV set - and this before internet days!!! How did I amuse myself?! Don't ask).

Because of his evil influence, I am watching way too much of the offerings on the House and Design channel. One of my favourite TV shows these days is How Not To Decorate - which features two really camp gay Scottish guys telling people off for their home design faux pas.

Last night I was watching Colin and Justin's latest programme and hooting at the incredibly bad taste of yet another couple. JJ said to me, "You should take a look in the mirror at yourself."

WHAT?!?!?!

KB: Well, I don't know that they'd favour all of the piles of newspaper and old mail that you keep in the living room, but aside from that, what is wrong with the decor in this place?

JJ: Tek a luik around ye, lassie. The only nice things are the thing ye've made, and ye cannae enjoy them for the rest of the junk.

This exchange gave me sulking rights for the rest of the evening. But today when I got home from work I came to appreciate his point.

First, I went into the spare room to try to excavate tonight's dinner from the deep freezer:

This is the Rowan's All Seasons Cotton destined for my Tilted Duster.

JJ has a point. It does look a bit junky.

So - I replaced it all with this:

My latest yarn acquisition - some Needful Kim (cotton/acrylic) which I bought on Sunday because it was gloomy out and I thought some summer yarn would cheer me up. It worked.

As I left the spare room, I took a look at some of my art in the corridor leading back to the living room:

Well Known Trite Student Dig Art Piece No. 1; and

Slightly lesser known sister of Well Known Trite Student Dig Art Piece No. 1.

Hmm.

On to the living room:

Perrier Ad Mounted on Particleboard (acquired at the Goodwill Gallery for $5 about 10 years ago); and

Perrier Ad #2 Mounted on Particleboard (also acquired at the Goodwill Gallery for $5 about 10 years ago).

Hey! It's a diptych!!! It must at least have doubled in value now, don't you think? And I don't think that the beige background colour is nicotine stain... is it?

And here are my artistic arrangements which are so lovingly displayed on the IKEA "Billy" bookshelf which I got free with an apartment about 12 years ago (is it true, by the way, that everyone in the western world has owned a "Billy" at some point? I have three):

Emergency wind-up radio, Betty Boop music box, valuable Greek antique wine set, personalised demitasse cups, yarn, antique candles, and reindeer. C. 2004.

Air Freshener #1, radio cord for stereo, Goodwill coffee cup/loonie holder for laundry, valuable tin soldier collection (JJs), CDs, cigarette packet, penny jar and important mail (c. 2004-2007); and

Stereo Speaker No. 1, brass telescope from Winners, Air Freshener No. 2 and Stereo Speaker No. 2 (c. 2004).

All extremely valuable items, no?

And, let's not forget the ultra-rare Greek Antiquities Collection. Really, I should take some of this stuff on the trip to England and see if the British Museum wants to display it together with the Elgin Marbles!

Then again, maybe not.

It's just lucky we don't live in Quebec, where it is a criminal offence to keep a disorderly house.

I do hope, upon sober second thought, that Colin and Justin do not drop by (which well they might, given that they now stay in Toronto part-time and are from Glasgow like JJ - they probably know each other!). We're probably too far gone even for their help.

JJ: Ah told ye so.

KB: Ah, shurrup, Jimmy!!!

It's my blog, so of course I get the last word!

A terrific Tuesday to you all. And a very happy birthday to Ronnie Corbett, compatriot of JJs but much funnier than him (ducking to avoid TV remote sailing toward my head)...