Don'ts for Wives

(apologies to Simon and Garfunkel)

It's 9:00 a.m. on a Saturday
and I do not have to work
so here I sit, smoking cigs and s**t,
and fig'ring what duties to shirk...

So, what can I do instead of getting out my steamshovel and clearing away all the crap currently filling my apartment? I promised myself I wouldn't knit anything until at least the living room and spare room were done...

I know - I could read. That's educational, anyway.



This should be fun. Let's have a look:

From the intro:

Art is a hard mistress, and there is no art quite so hard as being a wife.

Damn tootin'!

Moving along to the main text:

Don't worry about little faults in your husband which merely amused you in your lover. If they were not important then, they are not important now...

Faults? Hmm... such as bugging me to comb my hair all the time? Wanting to be given a medal for washing the dishes? Never throwing out an empty toilet paper roll? who says those aren't important?!?!?

...besides, how about yours?

Mine?!? My faults? I don't have any faults!!


Hmm... on second thought... hey, how do you like my loud hawaiian-style elephant shirt, anyway?


Scored it in Thrift Villa in Parkdale some time back for $5! Not really something a housewife in 1913 would have worn, though, I guess...

But I digress. Back to my reading.

Don't live on top of a spiritual mountain. Try to be "a creature/not too bright and good/for human nature's daily food".

What?!? That doesn't even rhyme? What the hell is this supposed to mean? I'm confused. But then I don't live on top of a spiritual mountain, so I guess I don't have to worry about it.

Let him be as messy as he likes in his own home...

Sure... that is, until I get tired of it and throw away all of his "important paperwork" that he keeps hoarding (junk mail, old newspapers, etc.) later today.

Don't spend half the morning in bed because "there is not enough to get up for". The day is not long enough to do all of the things you might do if you liked.

Oh - such as cleaning up after your husband?!


Anyway, the only reason I sleep in half the morning is that I'm suffering from a bit of the Tenant Advocate cheer the night before. But I guess that wasn't the housewifely done thing in 1913, either. Good thing the list of tips doesn't say: "Go out with the Tenant Advocates for several beer and Irish nachos every Friday after work." I don't think I could stick to that one.

Don't greet him at the door with a catalogue of the dreadful crimes committed by servants during the day.

No fear of that. This is the only servant in the house:

Or is that "helpmeet"?

(Don't feel too sorry for me, though. I think I may have mentioned before that I don't even know how to operate this iron...and I've never quite mastered putting up the ironing board, either. Anyway, substitute "clients" or "boss" [in past!] for "servants" and that is probably a tip I could learn from.)

Don't object to your husband getting a motor-bicycle; merely insist that he shall buy a sidecar for you at the same time.

Hmm - I wonder how JJ would look in a sidecar? What do you think?


JJ - King of the Household.

Don't buy expensive food, and have it ruined in the cooking. If your cook isn't up to French dishes, be satisfied with English ones cooked to perfection.

Well, since I had to let the cook go, the Husband will just have to content himself with this:

At least it fits the "not too expensive" category!

Don't permit yourself for a single instant that nothing is more annoying to a tired man that the sight of half-finished laundry work. The remotest hint in your home of a "washing day" is like a red rag to a bull.

Bull, indeed. Two answers for that guy:
(a) do it yourself, then; or
(b) drop it off at the Wash n Fold!

Anyway, I think I've read enough. Time to get off my lazy @$$ and clean the damn house. I guess I've learned something from the book, eh?

helpmeetly duties in the 21st century

First off, in case you were starting to think that I had forgotten that this is a craft blog, here are some pics of the stuff I did yesterday:

(a) the World's Smallest Curve of Pursuit

(Looks like Sir John Eh? tied one on last night... again. To be fair, maybe he was just tired out from fulfilling all those official duties...)

Made in Dale Svale Stork (fingering) cotton on 2.5 mm needles. I'm glad to report that there have been (as yet, anyway) no innocent victims of craftdaftness resulting from the wider project - a series of miniature knits.

This is a photo of it on top of its proud mother, my Curve of May Colours. The original is 60" x 60"...


... the new one 4" x 4". Cute, eh?

(b) a Treasure from Trash! (in progress)


I scored the materials for this yesterday at the Goodwill (and for a photo essay on Brouhaha's shopping exploits yesterday you could always click here if either really, really bored or trying to avoid housework):
It still needs some grout.

So, on to today's main topic...

When perusing recently the communal book swap/library that Jennifer and I set up at work as part of our joint Social Convenor duties, I was thrilled to find this:

A vintage cookbook. I love these things. Never mind that this book swap was in great part set up because Jennifer and I felt we had to divest ourselves of out-of-control amounts of cookbooks at our respective pads... I just couldn't resist!

No date on the book, alas. I'd put it at early 1950s. But I guess it really doesn't need a date, because the information it contains is timeless, not to mention priceless.

I mean get a load of this:

Where on earth are these vegetables grown, anyway?! (Actually, it's not on earth. Rather, you'll find them in the The 49th Dimension, where the corn is puny and the shrimp are raw.)

But really, I shouldn't jest. Maybe if I actually consult this book, I will acquire some gourmet hausfrau tips. Goddess knows I could work on some of those helpmeetly skills. I mean, I have the knitting and crochet down pat (although sewing does present a bit of a challenge), but as I near my 40th year I can't help but think that some other essential skills are lacking. And if I start working on them now, I should be Queen of the Homemakers by 2010 when I turn 40!

And besides, the women all looked so happy back then!
Um... well, most of the time they did. Unfortunately, there is no caption for this picture. And check out the bottle!

I mean, I've never had kids, so I don't really know... but it strikes me that it's not appropriate to heat a baby bottle to boiling point. Am I wrong?

And... is that a fist I see hiding under the dishcloth?

Ah - it's all crystal clear now (NB: I don't really know what "crystal clear" means. I have no crystal in my house. I did have some but some wanker smashed it one night at a party when I was playing greek music. Plates, you moron, plates - not glassware!!!). Where was I? Oh yes.

This must be the missing caption:

"That'll teach you for making me play 'airplane' for the 57th time today, kid... "

Would you just shut up and eat, already?!?!?!? If Mommy misses seeing Victor and Nikki's wedding again on Y&R, you're going to your room until you turn 18 and I kick your worthless @$$ onto the street..."

As you can see, there are very good reasons why I've chosen not to have kids!

And now for a short break from our sponsor... the back of the Presto book!
I want to be a model for a Presto ad!

Look how fun it is to do housework!!!

(where is that #$&*^$#&@*#$&^#* comb?! I bet JJ found it under the toilet tank and confiscated it lest I glue it to a table or something...)

Hmm... I might not be dressed quite the part, though...


Maybe they'd go for something like this instead?

Um... maybe not. Unless, of course, the product is called "Mommy's Dirty Little Secrets"...

Sigh - I'm not really picking up this hausfrau thing too swiftly, am I?

Well, I'm not quite sure how to operate the iron, anyway. My mother gave it to me when visiting eight years ago or so. She was horrified when she went looking for my iron only to find that I didn't have one. I had lived alone for five years at the time. To spare her feelings I lied and said that the ex got the iron in the split-up. She then reminded me that the split up had happened three years previously. I am a bad, bad daughter.

Oh well. I'd rather use the iron like this, anyway.

And now back to Law and Order SVU Season 2, which I've seen at least three times already...

Or, rather, back to the Presto Cookbook. I love these old cookbooks. The photography is so appetizing. Let's see - I haven't had breakfast yet (unless you count the nougat bar with jujubes...) so perhaps I can find something tasty here:


Then again, maybe not. I'm reminded of the time I was hospitalised for anorexia way back. Every day I had to eat mass quantities of some hot cereal - it seemed like at least a litre a day but my mind was probably playing tricks on me. They told me it was a different grain every day, but they all looked and tasted the same - like mucilage. I'd try to sneak off and throw it away but when I turned the bowl upside down it didn't move. And let me tell you that it certainly did not come in fancy bowls with balloons on it either!

And now for a little public service message for anyone reading this who has an eating disorder and has not quite come to terms with it yet. I lack the words to describe the supreme irony of not eating for months while constantly cooking elaborate and delicious meals and desserts for other as some sort of feat of manic strength and not being able to sleep for visions of eating tasty food - only to be forced to gain weight on hospital food, of all things. This will probably happen to you as well - unless you die trying to reach that elusive magic weight. So - think about it. Please.

Well, that was heavy, wasn't it? Sorry...I was just disgusted to see this recent news item where an israeli model died from anorexia. I'm not linking it because the photographs are very disturbing. What a waste.

On that note, I'd better start planning dinner...how about some soup? It's chilly today...


Hmm... blood and bile with swirls of pus? Nah...but let me see if I can find anything that appeals within the section...

- Oyster Chowder
- Southern Okra Gumbo
- Gumbo... maybe... but with oysters? Nope.

To top it off, the Soup and Chowder section is in that mysterious land where any spice save Salt and Pepper apparently fear to tread.

Next - meat. Well, there's plenty of that in the deep freezer...


Hmm... all I can really say is that I've never seen a roast beef served on a bed of cucumber and whole radish before. Hmm. Well, I'll turn the page (skipping the photographed selections, methinks...).

A bit more exotic than the Soup section, at any rate:

- Norwegian Meatballs (which appear to be meatballs boiled in milk and cream. Next...)
- Swiss Steak No. 1
- Swiss Steak No. 2 (which appears to be the same as Swiss Steak No. 1 except that it also features a cup of tomato soup and "2 T. cornstarch". 2 tablespoons?!?!? Must be a hangover from the Cereal page...)

Another exoticism: Porcupine Meatballs - oh, those racy 50s housewives! What were they doing, hanging out at the side of the highway looking for roadkill??

Moving on...some items that no 50s cookbook would be complete without:

- Savory (sic) Beef Neck
- Economy Pork Steak
- Beef Liver
- Devilled Lamb Neck Slices (have you ever had lamb neck? I make it quite often as I love lamb and it's a cheap homestyle greek dish. However, if you don't do it in the crockpot or, failing that, in the oven for about five hours, you might as well buy a pack of chewing gum and save yourself the trouble. This recipe calls for 15 minutes cooking time. I'm sceptical...)
- Stuffed Beef Heart (the minute I left home, I vowed that never again would organ meat pass my lips. It is perhaps the one vow I have never broken).
- Fresh Tongue (nah, although I'm sure it's far better than that stale tongue in all the other cookbooks...)

and finally (drumroll, please...)

- Pigs in a Blanket. That time honoured favourite. However, paradoxically, this recipe calls for round steak wrapped in bacon. So, shouldn't it be "Cow in a Blanket"?

The next section, luckily, looks intriguing:

"Combination" of what? you may well ask? I certainly did, looking at the above photo. Vegetables and vegetables? Meat and blobs of unknown origin? Meatballs and blood?

Let's peek within to try to shed some light on this mystery:

More international exoticism!!!
- Belgian Stew (with beef neck and carrots)
- Sauerbraten (German beef stew)
- 3 - count 'em - 3 versions of Chop Suey!!!!! (American, Fancy and Plain. The only difference I can see is that the Fancy has three types of meat instead of one. All share copious amounts of canned vegetables in common. And, isn't chop suey all American anyway?)

And some more stuff I've never heard of before (with good reason, in my opinion):
- Corn Cabbage
- Squash with Pineapple

Chicken is starting to look pretty good right about now...

Check out the cooking time table!!


Let's zoom in, shall we?

Qu'est-ce que c'est "gosling"? I have no idea. Where is JJ when I need him - he's up on all this weird anglo food. I would call him at work but undoubtedly I'd either interrupt the Spider Solitaire Security Guard Classic Championship Finals, or wake him up. This will have to wait...


Well, that's one way to get them onto the plate, I guess. I can just hear JJ now: "Puir wee pheasant, smothered before its time. Are ye planning to make a mosaic effigy with the bones, then, lassie?"


Shiskabugs!!! Where's my Hasen Pfeffer?!?!?!

Puir wee Bugs Bunny. I don't want any harm coming to him. He did have the guts to go around in
drag in the 1940s, after all. You might call him a role model of mine...

Next...

I've got some frozen shrimp I scored at Loblaws a while back ...


Frozen shrimp, blood and Ritz crackers - all hauled in by a serf. No thanks.

I don't really like vegetables, but I'm getting desperate here:
The flowers look nice anyway.

There are recipes for 28 vegetables. The recipes are all identical except for the main ingredient. Here's a sample:

Potatoes (small)
small whole new potatoes
1 cup water
salt

I kid you not. Oh wait, I lie to you. Some of the recipes are a bit different:

Peas (green)
Fresh peas
1/2 cup water
salt

I guess it's dessert for dinner again...

What the hell is "steamed bread"??? Is it that stuff that weighs about a pound for a small slice and sits in your stomach for days afterward? Not in this house...give me a Viennetta or some Cadbury's any old day.

And finally...

Maybe I'm out of it, but isn't a "fruit recipe" a dessert? (by the look of the photo, maybe not - especially when served swimming in Vaseline and food colouring).

Damn it all.

Lazy weekend...

Ah, the lengths I will go to in order to avoid cleaning house!

But first, I feel that I must pay some tribute to my UFO, which is feeling lonely and unloved given that I have not worked on it for about 6 days...

Truth is, I'm rather bored with this one. I should just finish it off now (it could be either a tunic or a dress, depending upon when the yarn might run out). Hard to tell the bottom shape because it's on 24" circular needles. Yarn is Ranee by Kerzner. Pattern adapted from a tunic pattern in the most recent Knit.1 mag. I thought the main colour was all black... instead it turned out to be all midnight blue except for one skein. Oh well. I shall persevere...

... and now back to my latest obsession: PRESERVES!


Far more colourful than my current knitting (which is probably why the digression, I would imagine).

And here they are, one by one (drum roll, please...)

1. Giradiniere Pickles (Italian Garden Pickles) - recipe by Lucy Crubb, in Delia's How to Cook, Book 3:

Ingredients: red onions, zucchini, egplant, fennel bulb, red, yellow and orange bell peppers, mushrooms, grape tomatoes, garlic, olive oil, white wine vinegar, bay left, rosemary, thyme and peppercorns.

2. Moroccan Preserved Citrus - original recipe for preserved lemons by Elizabeth David (I think)
Although you can't really see them here, I added limes and oranges as well as the lemons. Other ingredients: coriander seed, cumin seed, bay leaf, lots of sea salt, water.

3. Giardiniera - The Spicy Gardiner's Wife (adapted from #1, above)

This is what happens when I run out of white wine vinegar and have precious little other vinegar left. I stuck in red wine vinegar and some leftover shallot sherry vinegar I had made before ... and a ton of red chilli flakes. My name for it is a play on the "giardiniere" in the original recipe, which means "gardiner" in italian.

4. Pickled Green Onions - my recipe (and damn and blast that Loblaws does not seem to know what wild garlic is)


Ingredients: green onions, white wine vinegar, whole garlic cloves. That's it. But I'm still really craving toursi (pickled ramps or wild garlic shoots...) SIGH.

5. Sour Dill Pickles - Delia in How to Cook, vol. 3

DH will have to tell me how these turned out because I do not like dill pickles! Ingredients: fresh dill, coriander seed, cucumber, cippoline (the recipe called for shallots, but $#&@*$(&*@#(&* Loblaws didn't have them in either! What's going on?). Don't know if they will be less sour with the cipolline. Oh well. I don't eat them anyway! ;-)

6. Roasted Vegetables in Oil - my idea

This is a bit of an experiment. I'm actually trying for a flavoured oil with roasted veg flavour. I took the leftover veg from the Giardiniere (#1, above) minus the grape tomatoes, added some sundried tomatoes, panroasted the veg then covered in boiling oil (PurOliva - half canola, half olive oil so that it will refrigerate better, it is hoped). I will let this sit for about a week and see what happens.

I've also prepared a 7th thing, which is flavoured extra virgin olive oil (the cheap kind - Gallo - I buy it in the 3 or 5 litre tin). It's not quite ready yet. It is my own recipe and called "Pink Lady". The name comes from the name of the main herb (rosemary) plus pink peppercorns - not the colour of the oil.