Don'ts for Wives

(apologies to Simon and Garfunkel)

It's 9:00 a.m. on a Saturday
and I do not have to work
so here I sit, smoking cigs and s**t,
and fig'ring what duties to shirk...

So, what can I do instead of getting out my steamshovel and clearing away all the crap currently filling my apartment? I promised myself I wouldn't knit anything until at least the living room and spare room were done...

I know - I could read. That's educational, anyway.



This should be fun. Let's have a look:

From the intro:

Art is a hard mistress, and there is no art quite so hard as being a wife.

Damn tootin'!

Moving along to the main text:

Don't worry about little faults in your husband which merely amused you in your lover. If they were not important then, they are not important now...

Faults? Hmm... such as bugging me to comb my hair all the time? Wanting to be given a medal for washing the dishes? Never throwing out an empty toilet paper roll? who says those aren't important?!?!?

...besides, how about yours?

Mine?!? My faults? I don't have any faults!!


Hmm... on second thought... hey, how do you like my loud hawaiian-style elephant shirt, anyway?


Scored it in Thrift Villa in Parkdale some time back for $5! Not really something a housewife in 1913 would have worn, though, I guess...

But I digress. Back to my reading.

Don't live on top of a spiritual mountain. Try to be "a creature/not too bright and good/for human nature's daily food".

What?!? That doesn't even rhyme? What the hell is this supposed to mean? I'm confused. But then I don't live on top of a spiritual mountain, so I guess I don't have to worry about it.

Let him be as messy as he likes in his own home...

Sure... that is, until I get tired of it and throw away all of his "important paperwork" that he keeps hoarding (junk mail, old newspapers, etc.) later today.

Don't spend half the morning in bed because "there is not enough to get up for". The day is not long enough to do all of the things you might do if you liked.

Oh - such as cleaning up after your husband?!


Anyway, the only reason I sleep in half the morning is that I'm suffering from a bit of the Tenant Advocate cheer the night before. But I guess that wasn't the housewifely done thing in 1913, either. Good thing the list of tips doesn't say: "Go out with the Tenant Advocates for several beer and Irish nachos every Friday after work." I don't think I could stick to that one.

Don't greet him at the door with a catalogue of the dreadful crimes committed by servants during the day.

No fear of that. This is the only servant in the house:

Or is that "helpmeet"?

(Don't feel too sorry for me, though. I think I may have mentioned before that I don't even know how to operate this iron...and I've never quite mastered putting up the ironing board, either. Anyway, substitute "clients" or "boss" [in past!] for "servants" and that is probably a tip I could learn from.)

Don't object to your husband getting a motor-bicycle; merely insist that he shall buy a sidecar for you at the same time.

Hmm - I wonder how JJ would look in a sidecar? What do you think?


JJ - King of the Household.

Don't buy expensive food, and have it ruined in the cooking. If your cook isn't up to French dishes, be satisfied with English ones cooked to perfection.

Well, since I had to let the cook go, the Husband will just have to content himself with this:

At least it fits the "not too expensive" category!

Don't permit yourself for a single instant that nothing is more annoying to a tired man that the sight of half-finished laundry work. The remotest hint in your home of a "washing day" is like a red rag to a bull.

Bull, indeed. Two answers for that guy:
(a) do it yourself, then; or
(b) drop it off at the Wash n Fold!

Anyway, I think I've read enough. Time to get off my lazy @$$ and clean the damn house. I guess I've learned something from the book, eh?

ah, the not-so-humble potscrubber!

Well, it's now official: "A Woman's Work is Never Done" is a series!

Behold the potscrubber for the woman who has everything!! I think this is an ideal shower present for that friend who is about to marry into money, anyway. A real heirloom piece to be passed down through the generations of maids that cycle through the mansion in Forest Hill or Rosedale...

Now, you could always save yourself some money and time and grab some of these:
these - or , if money is no object, their nearest equivalent on the wedding registry at William Ashley

Or, this, apparently, would be a welcomed gift for the blushing bride-to-be:

But those wouldn't be so nearly personal - nor would they have the tremendous symbolism that your art piece will carry! And - it's practical. Form and function combined make a beautiful thing, don't they?
The potscrubber base was knitted in

• merino wool (symbolising the warmth of the new indoor gas-fired hearth)
• flax (denoting homespun antiquity, and also providing in practical terms an extra scrubber and polisher for those stubborn stains)
• cotton (I liked the pretty pastel colours)

Crochet detail was then added using sari silk, Handmaiden Curlilocks, Handmaiden Silken and Super 10 cotton.

Care of finished item: With this combination of fibres, one might think that cleaning it might be a problem. Not necessarily - or not, at least, a problem with which you need to concern yourself.

Cold water is advised for all cleaning operations to avoid shrinkage in odd places - but your friend's maid should be able to figure it out, as that is what she will be paid (a pittance) for to accomplish...

The piece, you will note, is centred by a highly practical raised cable design, intended to maximise that elbow grease (your friend would not want the maid incapicitated during the course of her work. Highly inconvenient - and time consuming having to find a replacement).
Digression: This was actually a little boo-boo in the making of Samus the Original for JJ last year. Can you see the booboo? JJ couldn't but for me it might as well have been surrounded by traffic cones and flashing lights.

I'm glad in retrospect that I didn't follow my first impulse to fling it off the balcony...I even recovered sufficiently to make

Please note the symbolic pink on blue, denoting the about to be very, very happy couple (accordingly to every bridal mag I've been forced to look at, anyway...)

The hemp spiral represents both a shift back to simpler times and our modern impetus toward green living (your friend should ensure that her maid recycles properly, hauling non-collectibles to the depot on the bus when necessary, of course).


These symbolic prison bars made of teal cotton poke gentle fun at the notion that marriage is constraining... as well as a cautionary note about the potential peril of marrying into a situation which will ultimately be impossible to afford to leave. Please note the gilt edging on the top of the bars...
... and the twists and turns that your friend will face in her married life as a doyenne of the Toronto corporate culture and a "lady who lunches".

The colourful sari silk edging is means to symbolise luxury such as that enjoyed by some during the British Raj. You may wish to modify the yarn choice if the lucky groom-to-be is not of The green, of course, symbolises the many baubles that your friend can hope to enjoy in her new life. It would be a nice touch to pick a colour approximating that of her birthstone (mine is peridot, hence the bright green).

Two sides of the piece are left "blank" for practical purposes... and most certainly your friend's made will appreciate the extra free scrubbing surface. The piece is approximately 18" x 6" - more than big enough to tackle that 20 litre pasta pot which is no doubt found on your friend's wedding registry.

Please feel free to make a potscrubber for yourself as a gift for that special someone who is about to enter a very charmed life indeed! (Alternatively, if you want to ensure that you never get invited to a wedding shower again, just make one of these and skip out on the wedding shower registry).

I'm having fun with these washcloths, obviously... and once I have 10 or so, I do hope that the Art Gallery of Ontario is back in business and ready for my installation... if not, I guess there's always the MoMA.... Or, if I really get cracking, I could simply schedule an appointment with the higher-ups here to take place during my upcoming trip in December... !

Happy Friday!!! Today is an exciting day, as it marks the 1473rd anniversary of the publication of the final version of the Justinian Code. This may still be what is in use in Bonnie Scotland! I must confess I'm not really up on Scots law - although there is one aspect that makes a lot of sense to me: they have three verdicts available in criminal court - guilty, not guilty and not proven.

And - amazingly enough, the Codex Justianianus is still enshined in Ontario law (or so it would seem, if one views landlords as Roman Emperors).

As is, by the way, the Riot Act. (And yes, there is such a thing as a Riot Act. Really!! Here is the Canadian version:

HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN charges and commands all persons being assembled immediately to disperse and peaceably to depart to their habitations or their lawful business, on pain of being guilty of an offence for which, on conviction, they may be sentenced to an imprisonment for life. God Save the Queen!

Indeed...

In Canada, apparently, the Riot Act is now part of the Criminal Code.
However, unlike the original Riot Act, the Criminal Code requires the assembled people to disperse within half-an-hour, and substitutes punishment by death with life imprisonment.

Well, wasn't that nice of them?

And now for something completely different - here is a gratuitous photo of Sir John, Eh?:

(Canada's first prime minister. If you're really procrastinating, click here for my own little personal wiki on this fellow Kingstonian and compatriot of my dear JJ...

Seems to me they might have done a bit better than the $10 bill for the first PM!!! After all, Borden rated the $100!! - and I bet if I conducted a little survey while on the TTC today, 99 per cent of the respondents would have no clue who he was aside from "the old white guy on the C-note". Maybe the $10 is meant to represent the amount of money Sir John Eh's whisky habit cost him on a daily basis at the time of Confederation in 1867...?

Clearly, it's time to sign off...